Finding the Point of No Return
Author's Notes: Thanks to my wonderful betaflower, who knows just how hard I like it.
The fabric of the tent buzzed as the wind hit it, making the air inside feel like it was vibrating. It lent a surreal quality to the half-lit interior as Ray slowly ground himself down against Fraser. There was a pack lying open on one side, and the lamp swinging above them, and their sleeping bags lay unzipped and disarranged, but Ray only had eyes for Fraser's skin, so pale it looked like it was glowing. Fraser's skin was soft, interrupted only by the rough scars of a life in law enforcement. Ray wanted to put his mouth on every place Fraser had ever been hurt, but he couldn't stop kissing; Fraser's mouth was rough and dry, but at the same time it was perfect. He should have felt cold, lying naked like this, but he didn't. Fraser kept him warm, kept him alive and happy, and oh God, Fraser was the centre of his world, and why hadn't he had the courage to do this before?
"Fraser..." Ray moaned, and reached down to touch Fraser's cock. He couldn't find it though; Fraser's body was all tangled up in the sleeping bags, and Ray's hands were clumsy and wrong, like he was wearing mittens. He couldn't find anything, and the tent seemed to spin, and Fraser was getting further away, and Ray had a brief moment of total panic, and suddenly, shockingly, he was wide awake and alone in his sleeping bag, wrapped in his own long underwear, and so damned hard it hurt.
"Shit," Ray whispered, rolling over onto his back to ease the pressure on his cock.
Ray wasn't an idiot. He knew he and Fraser had... something. Something neither of them was sure they wanted to act on. He hadn't followed Fraser out into the middle of an ice field because he wanted an adventure; he'd followed him because he wasn't ready to say so long and thanks for all the sexual tension.
So here he was, in a tent, somewhere in Canada, wondering whether he should jerk off quietly or go grab a handful of snow to take care of the problem.
The snow would be smarter, but Ray already knew he wasn't going to take that option. He felt warm for the first time in two weeks, and no way was he going to get out of the sleeping bag before he had to. Ray checked Fraser: all he could see in the dark tent was the back of Fraser's head and a tiny patch of pale skin at the nape of his neck.
"Fraser... you awake?" Ray whispered. He waited, but Fraser's breathing didn't change. Slow, measured breaths, a slight sigh on every exhale.
Ray fumbled a hand into his underwear and tugged at his cock. God, it felt good. Ray imagined kissing that little piece of skin at Fraser's nape. Imagined pressing his whole body against Fraser's back and sucking that little piece of skin. Imagined the two of them somewhere warm, where they could be naked and pressed together, and he'd bite a little, and put his arms around Fraser... Ben... and touch his....
"Fu-uck," Ray hissed into the dark as he came. He drifted for a few moments, and then grabbed a sock to clean himself up with. He was just about to close his eyes and fall asleep when he took one last look over at Fraser's neck. Which had turned really really red.
Oh shit, Fraser was awake. Fraser had probably been awake for a while. Fraser had heard him.
And apparently Fraser was doing the whole 'I was asleep, I didn't hear anything, I have no idea what happened' routine. Which was fine with Ray. Mostly. He rolled over so he couldn't see Fraser and went to sleep trying desperately not to image what would have happened if Fraser had offered to help.
Two days later they were in some little town with too many 'k's in its name and no fast food whatsoever. The lack of pizza might have been a disappointment, but the chance to take a hot shower and sleep on a real bed more than made up for it. The hotel wasn't ever going to win any stars, but it was clean and warm, which was all Ray cared about.
There wasn't a front desk, but there was a bored looking teenager reading a romance novel just inside the front door. She looked up, unfazed by two unshaven men and a half wolf wandering in out of the snow. "The rooms are all the same, all sleep two, all have a private bathroom, all cost $65, which includes breakfast. I didn't see the dog if you give me ten bucks. You want one room or two?"
They didn't even have to discuss it. "One is fine, thank you kindly," Fraser said, pulling a handful of bills from somewhere inside his coat.
"Is there anywhere to get a beer?" Ray asked, ignoring Fraser's frown. The girl pointed to a door on the left that said 'Bar & Restaurant'. "Thanks," Ray said as she handed over their keys.
Fraser picked up his pack and headed toward the door marked 'Rooms'. "I hope you don't mind if I don't join you," Fraser said. "I was hoping I'd get a chance to launder some clothes."
Ray rolled his eyes. Five minutes back in civilisation and he'd managed to piss Fraser off already.
Ray didn't even see the room; he was stripping out of his clothes before Fraser got the door unlocked and heading into the bathroom before it had closed behind him.
"Ray, what...?" Ray heard Fraser say as he shoved down his pants and walked right out of them.
"Shower!" Ray said, shutting the bathroom door on Fraser's surprised face.
The water was amazing. Who knew hot water and a bar of soap could feel so good? Ray scrubbed himself down twice and washed his hair until it squeaked. He thought about jerking off, but he wasn't sure how much hot water was left. He'd feel bad if he made Fraser take a cold shower, so he got out of the shower, dried off using one of the too-small too-thin towels, and headed back out into the room with it wrapped around his hips.
"Bathroom's all yours, Frase," Ray said, pretending not to notice how Fraser had looked him up and down and then jerked his gaze away. It should have made him feel twitchy, but all it did was make him regret not jerking off. He looked for his pack, but it wasn't where he'd thrown it.
"I hope you don't mind, Ray. I collected all the dirty clothes and put away your pack." Fraser pointed at the closet, and then disappeared into the bathroom.
"Uh, thanks," Ray said to the closing door. He wasn't even sure if he had any clean clothes, and wasn't when he was all but naked a damned stupid time to realise that? Fortunately when he looked he found he had pair of shorts, two pairs of socks, and a heavy shirt clean, and a pair of stiff new jeans he'd only worn once because they weren't warm enough. He probably wasn't the height of fashion, particularly since he had a scrubby three-week beard, but he guessed the patrons of the hotel bar wouldn't care. Two weeks of full-immersion Canada and sharing a tent with Fraser, and the whole 'what next' question had Ray craving a little uncomplicated beer time.
The beer was good and went down fast, but Ray's tolerance had to be shot because it hit hard. He managed to find the men's room but got lost on the way back to the bar. Seeing that as a sign, Ray decided to call it a night and after a couple of false starts, and falling down twice, finally found their room.
Ray banged on the door. "Hey, Fraser! I forgot to take a key with me. You still awake?"
Fraser opened the door in his red underwear. "Well, if I wasn't I am now."
Ray leaned on the door frame and grinned. "You shaved off your beard." It looked good; Fraser had a nice face.
Fraser smiled back. "I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I don't wear beards well."
Ray snickered. "Well, I didn't want to say anything." He lurched into the room, half tripped over his own feet, but managed to catch himself before he fell on his face.
"Ray, how much did you have to drink?" Fraser asked, looking concerned.
"Canadian beer is stronger, right? Because I did not have that much to drink." Ray wobbled over to his bed, which was way too narrow for a normal bed, and flopped face down with his arms over the sides.
"It depends on the brand of beer you drank," Fraser said.
"I'm not sure," Ray said. "It came in a bottle and it was really tasty." Ray's bracelet clinked against something metallic on the side of the bed, and he squirmed until he could get his head over the side to investigate. "Hey, Frase, there's a hook thing down here, these beds hook together."
"Hmm, yes," Fraser said.
Ray rolled over onto his back and thought 'fuck it'. "We should push the beds together."
"What?" Fraser looked all wide-eyed, which was sort of nice. Ray wished the room would stop spinning so he could enjoy it.
"We should hook the beds together to make one big bed, and then go to bed," Ray said, wriggling on the blankets. "Cozy." Ray grinned, wondering just how big Fraser's eyes could get. Then Fraser seemed to shake himself, and he was all buttoned down again.
"The heating seems more than adequate. I don't think we'll need to conserve body heat tonight. In fact, it might be a little over-warm now that we've adjusted to a lower night time temperature."
Ray stared at Fraser, unable to believe what he'd said. They'd reached the moment they'd been avoiding for the last year or so, and Fraser was... ignoring it? Ray sat up, took a deep breath, and decided that this was the point of no return.
"Fraser, this has nothing to do with keeping warm. We're going to push the beds together, and then you're going to fuck me." Even drunk Ray, felt like he'd just set off a huge emotional grenade. Wow, it felt good to have it all out in open, but now 'what next?' had turned into 'what now?' and Ray already knew he was out of his depth.
Ray held up his hand as Fraser opened his mouth. "No, wait 'till I'm finished, okay? Don't pretend we haven't been working up to it. We were holding hands, Fraser. That's not something straight guys do. And I read up on buddy breathing, you should have breathed through my nose, not my mouth. We do it, and if it sucks, I can go back to Chicago and you can go to someplace to be a Mountie, maybe with your sister, and we'll know we tried but it didn't work out. And if it doesn't suck, we can go someplace and you can be Mountie and I'll... I dunno, hunt bears."
Fraser was standing with his mouth open. "Hunt bears?"
"Or moose or beavers or something. I'm a really good shot." Ray knew they'd wandered off track, but he wasn't sure exactly how.
"I'm aware of that, Ray," Fraser said. "Just to clarify... you want us to engage in sexual intercourse as a method of deciding whether you'll spend the rest of your life as a police detective or a... bear hunter?"
"Well, sort of. Just not weird like you made it sound." Ray scowled and picked at the seam on his jeans. It looked like things were going to go horribly wrong.
Fraser sat down on the bed next to Ray, leaving a careful inch between their bodies. "Ray, are you saying you want to spend the rest of your life with me, or are you saying you're looking for a reason to go back to Chicago without any regrets?"
Ray felt like he'd been kicked in the head, was that what he was saying? And just like that Ray knew exactly what he wanted. "I can't go back to Chicago without regrets. Not unless you come with me... not even if you come with me, because you want to be here. I want to stay with you, and have lots of sex." And okay, that sounded weird, but that was the fault of the tasty Canadian beer.
"Ray, this isn't about sex," Fraser said, but he shifted closer until their legs were touching, and he was smiling.
"It's not? Because I thought you..."
"Yes!" Fraser interrupted, "I want you. I have since not long after we met, as I'm sure you already know. But that's a very small part of a relationship."
Ray snorted. "No, it's big fucking huge part. Especially if you're not getting any. Or if you're getting it with the wrong person. Or you're with someone who doesn't like it. Or someone who likes it too much. Or likes weird stuff like goats. Or..." And then Fraser kissed him.
Fraser was kissing him, and yes, it was hot and amazing and fantastic and a whole bunch of other things he'd been hoping for, but he was stupid drunk and he couldn't help pulling back and asking, "You and your freaky Mountie tongue know the name of the beer I was drinking now, don't you?"
Fraser burst out laughing. "Yes, Ray." And then he pulled him into a close hug.
Ray pressed his lips against Fraser's neck. The skin was really soft and smooth and tasted a little bit like soap, and Ray wished he'd shaved too because he was going to give Fraser a wicked case of beard burn. He regretted having that last bottle of beer too, because although it had helped get them here, Ray wasn't sure how up for action he really was. He let his hand slide down into Fraser's lap, and then Fraser was the one pulling back and getting off the bed.
"Hey!" Ray said, reaching out and cursing the fact that he'd just missed a chance to get a hand inside Fraser's underwear.
"Ray, we should talk about this in the morning, when you're feeling better." Fraser walked around to his own bed and started fussing with the blankets.
"It's not talking I want to do," Ray said and leered at Fraser.
"Well, we should wait until you're sober for that too," Fraser said, blushing.
Ray pulled off his shirt and unfastened his jeans. "No way, I'm all relaxed right now. Relaxed is good; it'll make it easier to get your cock in." Ray ignored Fraser's shocked spluttering. "Being relaxed is important, and we need some of that gunge you keep putting on my face, and... uh... my experience is mostly just Stella and that blow job I got from Cheryl, so if you know what you're doing, let me know now because that would be great." Ray clumsily kicked off his boots and socks and stood up to pull down his jeans and underwear.
"Ray!" Fraser yelled. "Ray, stop."
Ray stopped with his hands on the waistband of his jeans. "What? Why?"
"You can't just jump straight to anal intercourse and hope that being drunk will make it work. You need to feel comfortable with yourself and who you're with, and know how your body is going to react with a man before you..." Fraser seemed to run out of words, and Ray grinned and shoved his jeans and underwear down.
As Ray expected, Fraser looked down. "Ha!" Ray said. "You want to, don't you?"
Fraser looked exasperated. "Of course I do, but however I try to explain why we shouldn't do anything tonight, it isn't going to register with you in your current state." Fraser went into the bathroom and got a glass of water. "Drink this."
Ray sat down, kicked his jeans off and drank the water. "So we're not going to..."
"No, Ray." Fraser leaned over and kissed Ray, a gentle brush of lips that left Ray wanting so much more. "Go to sleep."
Oddly enough, he did feel kind of tired. In a horny and dizzy sort of way. "Can we still push the beds together?"
"Lie down first," Fraser said, kissing him again.
Ray wrapped his arms around Fraser and pulled him down on the bed too. Fraser was nice and warm, and when Ray wriggled, he could feel Fraser was hard against his leg. He was wondering if he could get away with sliding his hands into Fraser's underwear this time when everything just slipped away.
Waking up wasn't fun. He'd had worse hangovers, but even a mild one made waking up a chore. He cracked open one eye and saw a nice big glass of water and two aspirin sitting on the night stand. As he reached over, he said, "Fraser, you're a..."
Ray almost choked as he remembered what had happened the night before. He sat up, ignoring the stabbing behind his eyes, and looked around for Fraser.
Fraser wasn't there. Ray jumped out of bed, kicked away the blankets tangled around his legs and checked the bathroom. It was full of damp clothes hanging from the shower rail and something that looked like string wound around the room at neck height. No Fraser though. Ray's surprise at Fraser's having hand washed their clothes, including the sock he'd cleaned up his come with that night in the tent, surprised Ray out of his panic, and he realised he really had to pee.
Of course, he was making the 'oh my god, my bladder was too full, that feels soooo good' noise with the door open when Fraser arrived with Dief and something that smelled a lot like bacon.
"Are you all right, Ray?" Fraser asked, hovering just outside the door.
"Um, yeah. Just peeing," Ray said, wishing he could vanish off the face of the Earth.
"If you're finding urination uncomfortable, you really should consider having your prostate checked," Fraser said in a suspiciously cheerful tone of voice.
"Fraser, you freak, are you fucking with me?" Ray asked, ducking past the laundry and only realising as he stepped into the bedroom that he was completely naked.
"Of course not, Ray," Fraser said. "Although I did buy extra Vaseline..." The smile dropped right off his face. "Are you... do you remember... well, about what we..." Fraser looked really uncomfortable, so Ray let him off the hook.
"I remember last night. And I meant it."
"Ah," Fraser said. "Good."
"I'm staying here with you. Even if the sex sucks," Ray said, and he climbed back into bed and took the aspirin.
Fraser climbed onto the bed with him. He crawled up until he was straddling Ray's hips, with one hand beside Ray's head and the other unfastening his belt buckle, and smiled with way too many teeth. "The sex is going to be wonderful, Ray."
Please post a comment on this story.
Read posted comments.